loss

loss is one of the most difficult experiences to go through.  on september 16, 2014 i lost my best friend, my mother.  at 28 years old i have no living parents.  this pains me very much.  honestly though, i'm thankful. i'm thankful for the (almost) 18 years i had with my father and for the 28 years i have had with my mother.  i owe everything to them.  i would love nothing more than for my mother to be around forever and ever.  i ache thinking about the day i find out i'll become a mother and i won't have her to tell.  but what gets me through are the memories.  so many people have it so much worse than i do.  they have far worse battles to face.    

when i lost my father, i escaped into a world where only my family existed.  my mental state took a big hit.  i survived.  i was able to take this awful experience and help others make it through similar experiences.  one can feel hopeless, lost, as if life will never be the same - i was able to give some hope, to show them that there is life and joy at the other end of mourning.  

when my mom passed, i had to repeat the things i once told others to myself.  it hasn't been easy.  i'm honestly not sure if it has completely set in yet.  i spoke with my mom multiple times a day, every day.  this is a hard habit to break.  i still find myself picking up the phone to call her.  

i'm so thankful for my husband.  he has been my rock and my support system.  

soon i will write a post going more in depth.  right now, it is too soon.  thank you all for sticking with me.  if you're just stumbling onto my blog - please take a look around.  i will soon be back on track and deliver my normal posts once again. 

   

thank you for being patient with me.  i hope to start writing more frequently again soon.  there has been a lot going on lately, to say the least!

i am currently working through a two weeks notice at my full-time job.  i have accepted a position with the american red cross that i will begin at the end of the month.  i am very excited to work for such a wonderful cause!  i will miss those that i currently work with, but i think that this is the right move for me.  

the other (really huge) thing that i've been dealing with is the decline in my mother's health.  nine days ago she went to the er (again) and spent a week in icu (again).  it is so difficult to see her like this.  for the most part, she is herself.  however, i know that her body is slowly failing her.  my siblings and i have decided that the best way to move forward will be for her to do at home hospice.  hospice.  what a scary word.  to me - that signifies the end.  

i will write more about my mom and my (emotional) struggles soon.  for now - i am happy that she is not in pain.  when she leaves the hospital and starts her at home hospice care, she will be with her dog and surrounded by family.  we plan to make however long she may have full of love and comfort.

life

my apologies for not updating recently!  life has been a little hectic to say the least.  

hang with me - i'll post soon!

emotional spender / the weekend

one thing that i have learned while doing the spending freeze is that i am an emotional spender.  some people are emotional eaters - well, i emotionally spend the money to buy the food to emotionally eat.  all i want right now is to walk next door and buy a delicious burger.  i've had a stressful day and have been rationalizing that "it's ok, i deserve it".  i have my packed lunch right next to me - a nice, packed lunch.  

must. stay. strong.   

i've always known that i am an "emotional spender" but doing the spending freeze has really put this behavior under a microscope.  

do you suffer from emotional spending, too?  if so - i found an article that highlights 5 ways to control emotional spending.  for me - this means avoiding target and having each meal planned.  if there is a night that i'm not sure what we are having for dinner - i will cave.  so hard.  i also have to wait a little bit before i make a bigger purchase.  i will talk myself out of it (sometimes) if i don't really need or want it.  i'm definitely an instant gratification girl - so sometimes the appeal wears off.  sometimes.       

     

i did cheat on monday.  before work i bought my husband a (an? an sounds awkward but i know it's right) usc (university of south carolina) bowtie to wear on thursday for the first football game.  this was my "i love you and i'm sorry i work all of the time right now and never get to see you" guilt gift.  it happens. 

this past weekend we took my nephew out for his 17th birthday.  it was a lot of fun.  we ate dinner at gervais and vine and then walked down the street to nonnah's.  that helped feed my "out to eat" bug that i apparently have pretty bad.  it's always interesting to hear stories from a teenager's prospective.  i'm glad that my teenage nephews and nieces still agree to be seen in public with me.       

(sorry for the grainy photos - the lighting wasn't superb) 

i need to work on actually getting in photos. 

sunday was my first day off in...a long, long time.  i laid in bed until around 10:30 and was lured downstairs by the smell of bacon and coffee.  i sure am a lucky lady.

i hope everyone's week has been treating them well!!  

week two of the spending freeze

so far, so good....??